How do I set boundaries with a swinger couple?

2021.10.26 15:16 moonstruck_midnight How do I set boundaries with a swinger couple?

Alright, I don’t even know if this counts as “dating advice” but I guess it’s close enough.
My partner and I started going to a new church. It’s a UU one, and it’s the only one for miles. We really like the place and everyone we’ve met is nice and welcoming, if a little weird. We’ve only been a few times, but I used to go to UU churches and I’ve been going through a lot lately and REALLY need this kind of community.
Everything was going fine and then, when things wrapped up on Sunday, a couple invited us to lunch. We went, as did another newcomer to the church, and we chatted for a while. My partner and I are both 24, and the couple is probably in their mid 50s or early 60s. We thought they were harmless, if weird. They made one comment about “sexual deviants” at lunch, but it was in relation to spicy food and how people perceive pain/seek it out. I’m very sex-positive, as is my partner, so neither of us thought much of it.
The other guy leaves and the couple invites us to stop by their house, to see their farm and meet their chickens and take home some fresh eggs. So we go, and it’s great. They have a variety of crops and I got to pet a turkey and a labradoodle, so things were going well. They invite us inside, we drink some juice and chat, and the dude says my partner and I remind him of their relationship.
Now, I have some health issues that are very noticeable in the sense that I use a cane. They asked a little about it, and turns out, dude used to make a career out of reflexology. I don’t know much about it, but he asks if I’d like to try it to see if it helps.
Things are fine until he goes to take my sock off and asks my partner “Is it okay if I undress her?” 🚩
My partner is startled and says something along the lines of “That’s her decision,” and we exchange a look. Then he starts doing his thing and says something like “Now, if it hurts, you’re going to have to tell me… or just call me master.” 🚩🚩🚩🚩
My partner and I exchange another look and they raise an eyebrow and hold a thumbs up to ask if I’m okay, and I say I am. At this point, I’m still thinking this could just be his sense of humor, I’ve had plenty of friends who talk like this, and also, when I’m in situations like this, I tend to just go “I guess this is happening now” because I want to see how it pans out before making assumptions.
Over the course of this weirdly sensual foot massage, he’s managing to worm in stuff like how he’s impressed with my pain tolerance, and how other clients needed to safeword, and I reminded him of a really hot chick who once came to him and he only knew when he hit a pain spot because she breathed deep and her boobs jiggled. His wife was in the room the whole time.
I tried to steer the conversation into blatantly nonsexual conversations the whole time, and it was finally over. He offered the same treatment to my partner some time, asked for hugs, invited us back anytime, and then we took our eggs and left. We laughed when we got into the car, making bets that they’re swingers, still processing what happened, but after we got home I started feeling really bad. I have some sexual trauma and this brought up a similar “I want to shower for ten hours” feeling. I am usually good at boundaries, but I freeze when things get sexual without my consent.
I also just have an issue where I apparently can’t make friends without them wanting to get with me. A lot of friendships dissolved from that. My partner and I aren’t strictly monogamous, and I’m wondering if the couple recognized us from any app or whatever. Still, I talked to a non monogamous friend about it, and he was appalled by the implied consent tactic.
I want to keep going to the church, but I’m so uncomfortable. Nothing was explicitly said, so I feel like he’d deny that he was trying something and say he just jokes like that. On top of the trauma, I’ve recently had another friendship fall through because I didn’t want to get with him, and it’s starting to feel like I can’t just have a community or friendships without people wanting more. I feel so low.
How do I establish boundaries if I can’t directly confront them?
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Hi all
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